Parents threaten to cut their 20-year-old daughter off if she goes to New York City for 10 days for a fully-funded research trip: 'My role in my family makes me like a 3rd parent, yet I am micromanaged like a child.'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Writer and Editor
Jun 28, 2026 7:45 AM EDT

Why won't they let her spread her wings and fly?

The goal of parenthood should be to raise kids who can function independently. Of course, some kids will always need to live with their parents for reasons beyond their control. But for most parents, they should do everything they can to ensure their kids enter adulthood confident, not needing to rely on them. That's the good thing about college. It allows very young adults to spread their wings without their parents, while still providing the structure they need. If a kid can thrive in college without their parents, there's a good chance they'll thrive in the working world, too!

So many parents don't want their kids to spread their wings for a multitude of reasons. Some parents rely so heavily on their children to do household work that they don't want them to move out, even when it's developmentally appropriate and they can afford it. A lot of parents emotionally rely upon their children, using them as therapists. There's no shortage of parents who just have an anxiety disorder and think that their kid is going to be in grave danger if they leave home, even for a brief period.

The parents in this story have all of these complexes, and more. They don't want their daughter to pursue something that could be huge for her future because they're scared and don't think she's responsible enough. If she was responsible enough to get this research gig, I think she's responsible enough to follow through on it. 

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  • a 20-year-old girl visiting New York City to do research that will be beneficial for her future career.
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    A model of a 20-year-old girl visiting New York City to do research that will be beneficial for her future career.

  • Am I the bad guy for going on a fully-funded research trip if it means my parents will cut me off?

    I (20f) received a grant of just under $4k to travel to nyc for 10 days for a research trip. This trip is the starting point of a larger project that I will be working on for the next two years and will help secure my future post-grad.
    via u/National-Goat-9945
  • When I told my parents that I received the grant, the first thing they said was that I was going to get pushed onto the subway tracks. This was then followed up with asking what would happen if I didn't go. They expressed
    via u/National-Goat-9945
  • multiples times that they did not think I was capable of going on this trip and even involved one of my friends, telling her that I "don't understand how money works."
    via u/National-Goat-9945
  • I effectively do not need my parents to function outside of financials (they cosign on my loans). My parents rely on me heavily to make my household functional, and my role in my family makes me like a third parent yet I am micromanaged like a child.
    via u/National-Goat-9945
  • To prove to my parents I was capable, I planned the whole trip and decided to bring it up again when I had all the important details so I could answer their questions. It unfortunately took me until 2 weeks before the trip to get everything together since I struggled to find a place to stay and doubted whether the trip would even happen.
    via u/National-Goat-9945
  • After telling them that I still planned to go on the trip and it was fully prepared, I was told that I was a liar, a disappointment, and had bad intentions by going behind their back. They then told me that I would be cut off and received no more support from them if I went.
    via u/National-Goat-9945
  • I was unable to really explain my plans because they never tried to hear me out. They are under the impression that I did this without much thought or research. I understand nyc can be unsafe and requires lots of street smarts to get around. My current university is in the city and requires the same when traveling anywhere off and in between areas on campus.
    via u/National-Goat-9945
  • An urban college campus in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania,
    via Bhargav Panchal

    An urban college campus in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where students use their street smarts to get around just like students in New York City.

  • I have always had a tumultuous relationship with my parents and realized that my role in my household was not sustainable after leaving for college. I am required to prioritize my entire family over myself and make concessions when I am at school (like coming home on busy weekends in the middle of the semester). I have begun to try
    via u/National-Goat-9945
  • and set boundaries by saying no and have been met with responses saying I don't love my family and prioritize my friends. over them. I made peace with the fact that I might get kicked out by going on the trip when I received the grant. Now that it is happening, I am definitely scared about the future, but I don't want to regret
    via u/National-Goat-9945
  • not taking free money to do the one thing I have wanted to for basically my whole life. I think I can make being financially independent possible, but it will be work and also a relief to not give them something to manipulate me with. Lmk if my head is on straight here or if im ruining my life
    via u/National-Goat-9945
  • maybemaybenot2023 No. They understand perfectly. What you are not understanding is that you are a staff member to them, not a child. You have a family job to do, and anything that interferes with that and threatens their comfortable current existence is unacceptable to them. I'm sorry, it's unfair, and wrong. Choose yourself. Go on the trip.
    via u/maybemaybenot2023
  • fender8421 If anything, better to find this out at 20 and move on and be done with it, than have it strung along for another decade or more
    via u/fender8421
  • Peppyrhubarb And it's not just the 10 days they are worried about. They are worried about you permanently flying the coop which will upset the family dynamic you have - a dynamic that works great for them but not for you. They don't have a problem sabotaging your future if I keeps you closer to home. Their fear of New York is secondary, the primary fear is of you realizing the opportunities beyond your household. And I say this as an older person (in my 60s) who sent my kids on their way, not as
    via u/Peppyrhubarb
  • A New York City Subway train
    via Benny Rotlevy

    A New York City Subway train, which, according to some, is easy to use to navigate the city, even if you're traveling from out of town and are not used to using public transportation in your day-to-day life. 

  • Wwwweeeeeeee What's ruining your life is your parents, not yourself. They're desperate to keep control of you, and well! Look at you! You're breaking those unhealthy bonds and ties they're trying to shackle you with! That grant is AMAZING! You deserve this great adventure and learning experience, in every way! You can get by without their money! If you can manage to get a grant like that, then you can manage your education without their money. It's the last hold they have on you. You are doing s
    via u/Wwwweeeeeeee
  • Tippee ToeSnake Secured a grant = being pushed onto subway tracks, yikes. My extremely shy niece received a full grant at Fordham, she continued to get her Masters at Fordham, intern in NYC and has been working FT in NYC. Takes the subway everywhere. She has studied in England, Italy, Spain. She also travels. She has never once been pushed onto subway tracks. She is an Orange Cnty, Cal gal. In NYC there was a car accident in which a vehicle was pushed onto the sidewalk my niece and her parents w
    via u/TippeeToeSnake

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city parenting finances Subway family trip daughter college new york city scholarship
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